In British culture where politeness often reigns supreme, there’s a hidden downside that we don’t always talk about. Sure, being polite is important – it’s what keeps our social interactions smooth and respectful. But sometimes, politeness can veer into dangerous territory, leading to avoidance, isolation, and even depression.
Think about it: how many times have you held back from saying what you really wanted to say because you didn’t want to rock the boat? How often have you smiled and nodded along with something you didn’t agree with, just to keep the peace? These little acts of politeness might seem harmless, but over time, they can add up, leaving us feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.
When I first arrived in England, it felt like stepping into paradise. The warmth of everyone’s politeness, whether in advice, traffic, or feedback – it felt all so uplifting. But soon, I realised that politeness seemed to serve as a protective shield, keeping interactions cordial but lacking in depth. I noticed the impact of these interactions on my sense of belonging. The absence of genuine engagement left me feeling somewhat isolated, longing for the deeper connections I cherished back at home.
The truth is, the challenge of speaking our minds can be downright scary. It’s way easier to stick to the script of politeness, even if it means sacrificing our authenticity. But here’s the thing: when we muster up the courage to say what we really mean and want, magic happens.
I tend to be direct and straightforward, a trait influenced by my cultural background. This approach can sometimes seem rude in England. During a therapy group I lead, I asked a member what stopped them to provide honest feedback directly to another member who avoided contact through storytelling. Their reaction suggested that they found the idea quite shocking, that is obviously un-polite. My goal was to explore how direct conversations might improve the group dynamic and address any underlying issues. This goal was later achieved when the members were willing to embrace the possibility of conflict.
Authentic communication is like a breath of fresh air. It opens up the doors to deeper connections and more meaningful relationships. When we are honest about who we are and what we want, we invite others to do the same. And that’s when the real magic happens – when we can connect on a level that goes beyond surface-level pleasantries.
But navigating this challenge becomes even more complex when we consider cultural differences. In some places, like Britain, people are known for their politeness. That’s great because it shows respect and care for others. But sometimes, being overly polite can stop us from dealing with conflicts, which are important for personal growth and forming real connections.
On the other hand, in countries like the Netherlands, Norway, and parts of Eastern Europe, honesty is valued a lot. That’s good because it helps in being straightforward and genuine. However, being too blunt can hurt people’s feelings.
Yet, regardless of cultural background, the avoidance of genuine communication shielded by politeness can lead to a host of problems:
It can leave us feeling isolated and disconnected from those around us. It can foster cliques and gossip, as people resort to talking behind each other’s backs instead of addressing issues head-on. And worst of all, it can lead to “othering” – the harmful practice of excluding or marginalising others who don’t fit into our polite little bubble.
Finding the right balance involves:
Finding the courage to speak up respectfully, without ignoring others’ feelings or using politeness to avoid honesty. It’ about embracing authentic communication, while also respecting and understanding the cultural nuances at play. It’s about being brave enough to speak our truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. And it’s about creating a culture where honesty and vulnerability are celebrated, not feared.
At the end of the day, authenticity is the key to meaningful connection. So let’s challenge ourselves to embrace the beauty of being truly, unapologetically ourselves. Here’s to speaking up, speaking out, and speaking from the heart, no matter our backgrounds.